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I live in South-western Florida, the area which is supposed to be hit hard by Hurricane Irma. I am scared of losing my life, my husband’s life, and my home. Perhaps this is just one reason for the snit I’m in right now, but I suspect it has a lot more to do with my ex-boyfriend than with anything else. My ex-boyfriend and I had a big argument yesterday morning, and I was so angry that I asked my husband to drive me to my counselor’s office.
I went to see my counselor, who happens to be a woman around my age, who has been helping me emotionally ever since my late husband, who was very ill, killed himself in 2009. When I reached her office, to say I was in a horrible mood would have been a gross understatement. I was absolutely furiously out of control, and I was angry because of something my ex-boyfriend told me yesterday morning about that horrible woman he took up with after I left him.
My counselor listened to me, and after a while, she made a very simple statement, “The problem is that you love your husband, but you’re not in love with your husband. You are still in love with your ex-boyfriend.”
After I left her office, I thought about this, and I decided that there are major differences between being in love with and lovingsomeone. So, I decided to write a blog about it. These are just my opinions concerning the differences between being in love and loving, and some of you might have totally different perceptions or definitions of these two quite disparate states of mind. However, I think some of you might relate to what I see as the differences between being in love and loving someone. I think this topic is worthy of discussion, and I’d like to get some feedback from you.
When you are in love with someone, you want that person badly.
You fantasize about what it would be like to be with that person. You have difficulty concentrating because you are constantly thinking about your love object, and you might find yourself talking your friends’ ears off about the fantastic person you met and how much you are in love with him or her. There is a kind of desperation to your feelings. It’s almost as if you think that, if your love object rejects you or leaves you, you wouldn’t be able to survive. You want to become part of that person, and sometimes your feelings border on obsession. You want to possess or own that person. You sometimes become unreasonably jealous of the other people in his life. (From now on, I will use the pronouns “he” and “him” in my blog only because I’m a heterosexual female.) There is an element of unreality to your feelings. You find yourself fantasizing about making love with and just being with the person with whom you are in love.
When you love someone, you need that person in your life.
When you love someone, you don’t feel as though you are floating on cloud nine. You don’t experience the highs (and lows) you might experience if you are in love with someone, but you feel so strongly about the other person that you need him to be a part of your life. What you want most is to make him happy or for him to be happy with or without out you. When you love someone, you often put his needs ahead of your own. Loving someone isn’t about ownership or possession.. it’s about wanting what’s best for the person you love. Hopefully, the person you love will feel similarly about you and will want to be with you. If that is the case, you might embark on a steady relationship or even on a marriage.
When you’re in love with someone, you feel as though you’re on an emotional roller coaster or as if you’re floating on a cloud.
You feel high and on top of the world. When you’re not with him, you worry about what he might be doing and with whom he might be doing it. Whenever you hear his voice, you melt. Whenever you make love, you feel exhilarated and ecstatically happy. You love the way you feel when you are together, and you hope like Hell that the high you feel will never go away. Unfortunately, this feeling of being on a “high” doesn’t last forever, and when you come down from it, you either find yourself loving your partner, or you find that the relationship wasn’t meant to last. Being in lovedoes not necessarily last forever, and it does not guarantee that you’ll have a lasting relationship...